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Friday, February 23, 2007

Empty Bottles


Empty bottles on the ground
Most were emptied where they were found
Now it makes it hard just to walk around
Past empty bottles on the ground

Those big V-twins that rule the road
Park on the grass so freshly mowed
And in the fridge the beer is stowed
Drink what you can - nothing owed

Nobody walks they crawl or ride
And kick those empty bottles aside
They run the neighborhood - law defied
And do it all as a matter of pride

When they all leave, here I’ll be
Facing that dreaded sobriety
And the cursed rules of society
Picking up bottles but not in glee

Bottles in the trash can safely latched
A new problem has now hatched
In wonderment my head is scratched
‘Cause some bottles still have drinkers attached!

Empty bottles on the ground
Most were emptied where they were found
Now it makes it hard just to walk around
Past empty bottles on the ground

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Money and Booze

I like money
And I like booze
Love those ladies
In high heel shoes
The corner lamp posts
On which they lean
It's free enterprise
Do you know what I mean
They'll take my money
And yours if you choose
Make you smile awhile
And drink all your booze
But when it's all over
Bet you won't be willin'
To admit to yourself
You need pennicillin

Friday, February 02, 2007

COWBOY

His face looks old - his body tired
He's covered many a mile
You may greet him with clinched fists
Or greet him with a smile
Just tell him he's unwelcomed
And he'll surely try to stay
But, just pretend that you're his friend
and he'll surely ride away

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Ruthie's Tattoo

There once was a stipper
And her name was Ruth
She had a tattoo
And to tell you the truth
The meanest thing ever
I decided to do
Was to suck the dye
Out of her tattoo

It was there at the club
Late one night
And Ruthie was dancing
Beneath the spotlight
I had drunk a gallon
If I'd drunk an ounce
When I saw her tattoo
Start to jiggle and bounce

She danced her way round
To my side of the stage
I leaped through the crowd
In a lust-filled rage
I was moving so fast
That my aim was poor
I landed with my lips
Stuck to the stage floor

I pried my lips loose
Stood up and took aim
And from the crowd
A bottle came
The bottle struck home
And down I went
It the thing didn't break
It was damned sure bent

I staggered to my feet
To find my way
As Ruthie spun off
More lingerie
I caught it in my teeth
As it flew by
But a pastie hit me
In my left eye

For a moment I staggered
Then tripped and fell
Mumbled some words
Too harsh for hell
I then rolled over
To get up ag'in
And there appeared on stage
These three big men

For the lady's honor
And all that's dear
Said one big man
Is why we're here
He cursed with a voice
From the deep South
While they tore lingerie
From my mouth

I quickly figured
His words were untrue
They were there to keep me
From Ruthie's tattoo
But they picked me up
From the stage floor
Then ushered me out
The club's back door

They bruised my ribs
And my face re-arranged
In fact my whole outlook
On life was changed
So, if you're new in town
Wanting something to do
Don't even look at Ruthie
Or her damned tattoo

Friday, October 13, 2006

Stanley's Orchard

There once was an Englishman
His name was Stanley
Considered by many to be
Handsome and manly

Ladies pursued him
Both plain and cute
But Stanley was interested
Only in his fruit

While strolling with a lady
In his orchard one day
Handsome Stanley was
Overheard to say

If you really like
You can shake me twigs
But don't you ever try
To fondle me figs

Don't touch me peaches
Don't stroke me fuzz
Leave me berries alone
Whatever ya does

Said she I don't want
To taste a berry
What I want most
Is a big ripe cherry

She abused his fuzz
Without touching a peach
Then for the twig
She decided to reach

She caught his twig in
A feminine grasp
Then his eyes rolled back
And he began to gasp

Please fondle me figs
Keep stroking me fuzz
Keep squeezing me twig
Whatever ya' does

As with all good things
It had to conclude
But the lady had changed
Stanley's attitude

He still likes his fruit
And the taste of a berry
But nowhere on his place
Can you find a cherry

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Pork On the Hoof

She was a portly lass
With a hambone ass
And a great big tattoo
The words Born to Ride
Emblazoned her hide
In shades of red and blue

She asked for a ride
And I quickly denied
Her a spin around the block
I began to shout
That's illegal without
A permit to haul livestock

I rode away
With no more to say
But I thought it just the same
I know it's a slur
But a girl like her
Gives pork a really bad name!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

For those of you who absolutely have to laugh

Visit
http://workingclasshumor.blogspot.com/